Friday, August 6, 2010

Friday Night in Albany


It never fails to amaze me how the landscape of Banalbany changes over the course of the year. The colleges are influential in a good and bad way.

I love being here during the summer months because of the weather, more events going down (yo) and you don't need to be shoulder to shoulder at the bar on Madison Avenue if that's not your kind of thing. Unless it is. I won't judge you.

How is your Friday night shaping up?

For your enjoyment, here's a picture of me as I play with Photo Booth on my laptop.

Monday, October 19, 2009


It's amazing of how over the course of the past year or so, I've never been so many people ride their motor scooters in the middle of the street like I have recently. Especially as you get towards downtown Albany on Route 20. These road warriors are convinced these machines give them an edge in a battle against sidewalk walkers or even a CDTA bus. I'd rather not see the result of that unless the motor scooter itself transforms into a bus and goes head to head. If I can see that happen, go right ahead and rumble on the street. Just don't get in front of me unless you want to get with my blinders up front.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's Our Two Cents: A Larry King-ish Joint.


Bumpers should be used, so I use mine when I park in Albany… I’m trying to teach my dog to piss on the trees… I saw Jethro Tull, leather vest and all, at the Palace Theatre… I'll admit it: I've kicked tulips in Washington Park… Outside of a few choice bars, Albany could create its own version of MyNewHaircut… What's the point of traffic lights in Albany?... Running is not a sport… Unless you're running from a man in a hooded, black sweatshirt, or you're in a match with a referee never run for fun… Points should be given to motorists that hit these short-shorts people… The River Rats should ride to home games on the AquaDucks… The Pump Station sells beer-to-go in nice looking growlers—unlike Mayor Jennings' horrible tan…
If you’re going to park in Albany here's a thought: don't…When I was a kid trees was what we used to call weed…Saw a production of Cats at the Palace; it put any production on Broadway to shame…I got lost in Washington Park once, and I have the track marks to prove it…I don't go to bars in Albany very much, but when I do I get fucking hammered…Why can't I go right on red all the time. What is this, Russia?…If you hit a jogger with your car, an angel gets its wings…A machine that can drive and sail is an unholy machine…Went to a fancy restaurant in Albany once, and then spent an hour on the can wishing I hadn't…Mayor Jennings: If there is a more beautiful man on this earth, I haven’t met him…Careful taking a taxi home in Albany. The drivers will kill you for your fillings…Why is there never any convenient parking in front of bars, I hate walking… In my opinion, trees make excellent homes for birds and squirrels… Should the Palace Theatre have a moat? If so, how many crocodiles should there be?...Washington Park, why not Lincoln Park?... Is it because that name was already taken by a band?... Why are bars so loud?... I think they could make yellow lights shorter and nobody would notice… Why would somebody run for no reason?... They should at least be trying to get away from something scary… Do Aqua Ducks get better mileage on land or in the water?...Why are they called waiters when you’re the one always waiting for them?...Always keep motion lotion on hand when parking in Albany… Every tree in Albany is equipped with its own homeless person… Nobody straddles a piano bench like Tori Amos at the Palace Theatre… Washington Park: it's not just for executions over sneakers anymore…The best pickled eggs in town are at the Palais Royale… DiCarlo's is poop-your-pants kind of fun… Crossgates Mall is the first mall of its kind with an interstate running through it… Albany is so green its gotten rid of the yellow and red on traffic signals… Mayor Jennings = orange skin + white teeth… The last jogger in Albany was sighted in August of 1987… The Alive at Five crowd is thrilled with downtown Albany's new system of aqueducts… I had the Koto experience and didn't love it…I went into Ichiban's on Central Ave in Albany for five minutes to pick up food with my dad and as I came out, there was a parking ticket on my car… Why is the area called Pine Hills?... Because there's so many trees…I went to see Kat Williams' comedy act at the Palace Theatre last year, but instead of opening comedy acts, there were rap acts. For a rapper like me, even I thought this was bullshit…Washington Park: the park that never sleeps, except the bums…Albany bars: either they're ghetto or college ghetto…Fuck the traffic lights on both Western and S. Main and Madison and S. Main. I can never make it through the both of them without some asshole left turner who doesn't have the balls to jet out before the car that has the right away…I want to randomly start running next to some jogger one day and see how he/she reacts…Restaurants in Albany are just like any other small city with restaurants, only this city has Thai…When does Mayor Jennings not have a tan?...Parking in Albany is as easy as sticking your dick in a Cheerio…Albany's youth culture has gone green….The Palace Theater, I spent a week there one night…Washington Park has more hobos than tulips….The Palais Royale is where low culture meets loose women…Can I make a right on red if it's a snow day?...Albany's pedestrians seem to think this is a real city. Who told them they could cross with impunity?...I’ve seen people take a bath at the aqueduct…Albany pizzerias don't have to aim high. All pizza tastes good at 4 A.M…Who cares about Mayor Jennings anyway?...
The parking situation is so bad in downtown Albany that I leave my car in the campus parking lot and walk to the bars...The trees in Albany only serve to shelter mutant squirrels as they climb up ass-backward dragging a slice of pizza from the campus lawn…Only in Albany could the Palace Theatre be home to both high and low culture; whether it's drugs or Bill Cosby, entertainment doesn’t come cheap…Washington Park is most frequented during the bloom of tulips in May; the rest of the year it is known only for nightly muggings…Bars in Albany are home to all the crazy college girls who only have enough money to buy a miniskirt and fuck-me-pumps in the dead of winter. Out of money?... Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol…Traffic lights in Albany remind me of the movie Grid Iron Gangs…Joggers in Albany wait until commuter traffic hours just to piss off the people trying to get home for dinner. Hyperglycemic…Albany is proud to boast its newest vehicle of tourism in this historic city; Aquaducks…Restaurants in Albany are like mining for diamonds; the work that goes into finding a good one is worth the reward....You should take the bus…Dead bees fall from the trees in Albany…The blinking lights of the Palace Theatre may send me into a seizure-induced coma…While riding a bike in Washington Park a drunk girl nearly cracked her head open on the bumpy sidewalk when she flew over the handlebars…The bars in Albany are bars in Albany…The stoplights in Albany are on timers...Who uses timers anymore?...Only in Albany do you see joggers with a cigarette in their mouths…The Albany aqueducts are poisoned with disdain and hatred…There are no Phô restaurants in Albany. Where do people eat when they have a hangover?...Mayor Jennings? Who is Mayor Jennings?…I feel a sick satisfaction when I park under a sign that says, "Commuter Parking Only," and I am a commuter! … Live squirrels live in trees. Dead squirrels live on the streets … It’s been three months, when are they bringing back Toni Bennet?... … I saw something swimming in the pond. I thought it was a puppy. It was a rat … Can’t see um’, Fuck um’ … I’ve got a joke: A guy walks into a bar and says, ‘Welcome to Albany!’ … Rape-me is written across their bouncing bosoms … from Arbor Hill to the Hudson, like a daydream on crack rocks … all burritos come in the size: Bigger than your face … Just moved in January, haven’t met him … I carry a wine cork remover for protection … there’s a bike lock on my bike lock … in the future the ice cream truck will get your attention by blasting off nuclear missiles, for now: count your blessings … when riding skateboards, watch out for man-holes…Fire hydrants are overrated…The only purpose of trees is to breed shitting birds…Elmo at the Palace, pure frigging hell…Pond warning: Ignore floating bodies…The dirtier the bathroom, the cheaper the drinks…Let me give ya a tip: Walk around Saint Rose at night if ya wanna to get away with a fast mugging…Does anyone even jog in Albany?...If you’re ever in Albany flip off the duck for me…Debbie's Kitchen #16 get it…Jennings orange skin is genetic, he’s part Umpa-Lumpa.--A group Larry King homage by Ryan Callender, Allison Chin, Louis Cortina, Danielle Ely, Sean Hagin, Beth Hines, Randy Howard, Lyndsay Marchetti, Scott Wheatley, and ILLiptical, The WizARd of MARS.

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